Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
