i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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