my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
