I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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