how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
