He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
