WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
These tits shall not be calmed
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
