He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
me + whiskey = a bad person
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
