What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
