Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
