the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
