maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
