Life is so much better after having sex.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
