I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
