Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
