The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
