Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
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