That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
