This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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