I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
