he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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