every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
