you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
