I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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