I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
