I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
