your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
