I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
