Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
