I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
