I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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