Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
