He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
