Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
