She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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