god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
