do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
