Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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