I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
