I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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