I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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