I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
