I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
