you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
