she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize