Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I party with great urgency now.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
