he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
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