I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
