I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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