I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
