Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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