she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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