Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
