I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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