Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
